Overcoming the Co-Parenting Trap: Essential Parenting Skills When a Child Resists a Parent by John A. Moran, Ph.D., Tyler Sullivan, & Matthew Sullivan, Ph.D.
One of our favorite books to recommend for parents caught in a high-conflict relationship with their coparent following a dissolution or parents stuck in a situation where a child is resisting one parent is Overcoming the Co-Parenting Trap. It’s a relatively inexpensive and quick read, and something that parents can refer back to for advice time and time again.
Practical Principles for Parents Caught in High Conflict
1. Limit Communication to What Is Necessary
In high-conflict matters, communication should be functional and child-focused, not relational.
Best practices include:
- Written communication only (email or court-approved apps)
- Brief, neutral, factual messages
- Avoiding emotional explanations or commentary
This approach reduces misunderstandings and creates a clear record when court review becomes necessary.
2. Use Detailed Parenting Plans
Ambiguity often fuels conflict. Dr. Moran’s framework supports the use of highly specific parenting plans that address:
- Exchange times and locations
- Decision-making authority
- Holidays and school breaks
- Extracurricular activities
- Travel and communication expectations
From a legal perspective, detailed plans are easier to enforce and reduce the likelihood of repeated disputes.
3. Shift the Goal from Agreement to Stability
A common misconception is that successful coparenting requires parental agreement. In reality, children benefit most from stability—not consensus.
Parents do not need to agree on every issue to parent effectively. They need:
- Consistent routines
- Reduced exposure to conflict
- Clear expectations
4. Stop Trying to Change or Educate the Other Parent
A recurring theme in the book is that high-conflict parents become stuck trying to fix the other parent. Instead:
- Let go of persuasion, explanations, and “being understood”
- Accept limitations in the other parent’s behavior
- Focus only on what is within their control
This strategy reduces emotional entanglement and escalation.
5. Avoid Placing Children in the Middle
High-conflict cases often involve children being used—intentionally or unintentionally—as messengers or sources of information.
Courts and mental health professionals consistently discourage:
- Asking children to relay messages
- Discussing disputes with children
- Seeking information about the other household
- Seeking validation from the children
It is critical that parents strive to protect their children from adult conflict.
6. Accept “Good Enough” Parenting
The book discourages perfectionism and comparison between households. Children do not need:
- Identical rules
- Identical routines
- Identical parenting styles
They need:
- Safety
- Predictability
- Emotional availability
- Allowing differences between households reduces conflict and litigation.